Having lost a baby earlier, I kept the news of my pregnancy under wraps until I finished the first trimester. I was obviously elated that I would be a mother, but there was also a sense of unease - would I totally suck at the role? Would I even meet half the benchmark set by my mother who ticks all the boxes of exemplary behaviors to be exhibited as a mother? The Universe intervened and I lost my baby in the bargain to stay alive.
We further made the decision that we weren't going to have children.
Was it an easy decision? Absolutely no.
Was it a practical decision? Absolutely yes.
Do I miss motherhood? In teeny bits and parts.
I usually definitely want to ‘look’ pregnant (please note only pregnant) when I see women with large baby bumps. My aspiration…Beyonce at the Grammy’s. Did you see her? She practically looked like a goddess, she had this glow, she looked absolutely ravishing displaying her baby bump – and in that moment I wanted to look like her.
I miss it in parts when my friends have an “awww” moment with their child, and you wonder if you are missing something in your life.
I miss it in parts when kids say the cutest things in the world.
Do not fret –I’ve had my fair share of cute kid moments.
My most vivid recollection, has been a 5 year old boy, who stopped me at the stadium and asked me with both his hands on his hips “What happened to your hand?”. He had a few of his friends in the background. Now I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Should I tell him it started with a fever and have him fear fevers for the rest of his life or should I tell him about the bacteria. I looked around for a responsible adult – then of course I remembered I am the bonafide adult here. So I smiled and said “It was caused by an accident”. He said “What kind of accident”? I said “A car accident, I was hurt very badly and the doctor had to take my hands off”. He mulled over my response and asked “Did it pain?” I said “Yes, for some time”. I then asked him “Do you want to touch my hand?” He immediately touched it, smiled and looked back at his waiting friends “It’s so soft, come touch and see”. It was as simple as that.
Nila, my friend’s 5 year old at her birthday party dragged her friend towards me. I was sitting at a table, with my hands on my lap. She forces the friend to look under the table and says “See, no hands”. The girl obviously was in shock and said she was scared to look, to which Nila pats her and said as a matter of fact “Why are you scared? She is not scared. And she has no pain, and she is my friend”.
Veda, my friend’s 4 year old was watching a procession of goddesses from the car. Pointing at one of them, she said “She has four hands, why can’t she give two to Shalu?”
A little girl walked up to me at the stadium and asked me my name. She then smiled and asked me if I was coming to the stadium the next day. The next day she arrived all smiling. She stood around me for a bit, and then finally asked “Don’t these (blades) hurt?”
While I was running at Cubbon park recently, I passed by two little boys. I heard one say to the other “See ra…see her shoes”, to which the other said “Super cool da”. And ofcourse they were referring to my blades.
All these moments take you by surprise. Each of them reacted to disability in whatever way they had deemed fit, and the most beautiful part is that they did not come with judgments – it is what it is!
I’ve learnt you don’t need to be a mother, to have your ‘aww’moments.
When the Universe takes something from you, it always gives you something in return, in its own way balancing it out. In my case I became “the cool aunt”. This gives you an opportunity to spoil the kids rotten, have all the fun, you can teach them the worst things and learn a million things from then – AND then you don’t need to worry about their bed time or if they ate or pooped or if they slept or fret about all the thousand other things...they have their mommies for that!!
The best of both worlds.